Friday, February 3, 2012

How NOT to pick up a chick in Second Life - Episode 7: Meh...

Lost in Flowers

I've thought a while about posting this, and what to say, but it's niggled at my brain. This chat log isn't particularly insulting or outrageous, but it's emblematic of a lot of cold-chats I get, and I think illustrates a lot of the reasons why I end up both baffled and annoyed most of the time when men I don't know contact me. I have no reason to think Meh Guy is a particularly bad person, for all I know he could be wonderful, and if he's aiming for online sex it would be a stretch to call him on it, but in many of these contacts it feels like the other person is aiming for something, but unwilling to be clear about it. I often stare at things they say wondering how they expect me to respond, and in the past I've often chosen to simply not respond once I was sufficiently bored.

I'm open for feedback on all of this, but to be honest it often feels like the people who contact me want me to do all of the heavy lifting for finding interesting things to say and show interest in them, and I end up bristling at the presumption while also feeling like a bitch for not being Miss Perky and Friendly Conversationalist.

[15:58]  Meh Guy: think you have a great profile :)
[15:58]  Deoridhe Quandry: Oh, thank you. ^.^
[15:59]  Meh Guy: what do you do here?
[15:59]  Deoridhe Quandry: I take photos, blog, talk to my friends, hunt midnight manias and lucky boards, do hunts, explore.
[16:00]  Meh Guy: cool :)

At this point, given such a minimal response to what i thought was a fairly detailed answer which left a lot of avenues for questions. I simply didn't respond.

[16:00]  Meh Guy: well its nice to meet you! where are you from may i ask?

I hate this question. Hate, hate, hate. Especially if someone commented on my profile, where I state (in a funny way, I like to think) that I don't share offline details. There are people on Second Life who know my number, where I live, my address, and have seen offline pictures - but that was a trust built up over time, not something I offer to someone three questions in. I don't like getting into the whole nonsense of "I don't share offline details," though, so instead I answer with the address of my Linden Home.

[16:00]  Deoridhe Quandry: I have a home in Azure Springs.
[16:00]  Deoridhe Quandry: What do you do here?
[16:02]  Meh Guy: well i don't do a huge amount these days but i build and also...don't tarot here from time to time also
[16:03]  Deoridhe Quandry: That sounds like fun. ^.^

I don't laugh at reading Tarot. I do find people asking me not to laugh at something - presuming my response - to be... well, it sets my teeth slightly on edge.

[16:03]  Meh Guy: yeah i think so sometimes not but sometimes it's great!
[16:03]  Meh Guy: so what brought you to SL
[16:04]  Deoridhe Quandry: A friends of mine introduced me, and I liked it, so I stayed.
[16:04]  Meh Guy: is not springs azures a butterfly?

I'm honestly wondering if he googled the name I gave to try to figure out where I lived, which is part of why I hate hate hate that question. Guys, just a little piece of advice here - if you get an evasive answer, then dropping it's a good idea. Attempts at sneaky ways of getting more information can come off as really creepy. 

[16:05]  Deoridhe Quandry: I have no idea, but where my home is is named after it.
[16:06]  Meh Guy: i love SL but lately its been really laggy for me not sure why that is

The topic change baffles me - seriously. 

[16:07]  Deoridhe Quandry: Have you cleared your cache?
[16:07]  Meh Guy: yeah...
[16:07]  Meh Guy: might have to re install see if that helps
[16:08]  Deoridhe Quandry: Ok.
[16:08]  Meh Guy: seem very's always nice to chat with people that have highly creative minds

The complement baffles, me - seriously. I don't know if I am smart or have a highly creative mind, but people saying that to me after what amounts to a really boring conversation... it seems hollow and like something else is going on. I don't take complements easily, and I take empty ones rather poorly.

[16:10]  Deoridhe Quandry: Eh, not that smart. What kinds of things do you build?
[16:11]  Meh Guy: oh nothing special...houses, spaces for display
[16:11]  Meh Guy: all a bit futuristic but i enjoy it when i get time
[16:11]  Deoridhe Quandry: Sounds like fun
[16:11]  Meh Guy: busyish rl though

I tried to show interest, I really did, but in my head I was screaming, "I don't care!! I don't care!!" 

[16:12]  Meh Guy: yes i love it wow you have an interesting looking av
[16:13]  Deoridhe Quandry: Thanks. It's all hunt gifts from the hunt .xiv ran.
[16:14]  Meh Guy: wow really? it's a really unusual and detailed concept :)
[16:15]  Deoridhe Quandry: Yeah, all free things.
[16:15]  Meh Guy: you fit right in here...i know thats incredible it looks like you paid a fortune too
[16:16]  Deoridhe Quandry: The idea was to fit in; there's a prize for pictures.
[16:17]  Meh Guy: oh right you're taking pictures atm...oh i didn't realise sorry if i have disturbed you

This whole run leaves me confused. I know why I wasn't looking at his avatar - I was setting up a shot and filling out my fashion notecard.I have no idea why it took him fifteen minutes to look at me when he was under 20m away. I also found the description of my avatar as a concept... offputting. I'm not a concept, I'm a faerie, and while faeries are mostly imaginary, concept seemed very clinical and oddly drained of emotion as a word to use. Also, the apology seemed weird - as if I needed him to set boundaries on my time and choice to respond to a conversation. I don't know, something about it set my teeth on edge ...again.
[16:18]  Deoridhe Quandry: It's all right.
[16:20]  Meh Guy: ok well have fun and its been a pleasure chatting...good luck :)
[16:21]  Deoridhe Quandry: Thank you. ^.^

Note the very unspecific ending response, since I didn't particularly enjoy talking to him. I found it confusing, dull, and somewhat irritating. Reading back over it, the lack of capitalization is also nail-on-chalkboardy, though I don't remember being annoyed by it at the time. 

Reading back I also wonder if I'm coming off as an unconscionable bitch. Initial conversations can often be insipid and vague, but I think the underpinning which really put me on edge was that he began with a complement to my profile, then proceeded to make no use of it at all. The main text of my profile is meant to be tricky, slightly cheeky, and leave a lot of room for questions and conversation, but though he complemented me on it and on my look as well, he didn't respond to it, or indeed anything I said, as if he cared to hear the answers, and I find that very confusing. Granted, I barely checked his profile at all - but I wasn't the one making the cold contact and seeming to want to converse.

It's entirely possible he simply picks random people to have fifteen minute conversations with, I don't know, but if I saw his name pop up in my ims again I would not be pleased. Chances are that won't happen - chances are despite my referencing my blog and having a link to it in my profile he never looked so he won't see this either - but it makes me wonder what he hoped to get out of the conversation, and what these sorts of dull random conversations are supposed to provoke. Is it really about boundary testing to see if a woman is amicable to have sex right away, or is there soe other reason to be so teeth-numbingly dull?

Or am I just an unconscionable bitch?

( More pictures here. )


Skin: De La Soul, Aestali - Cream Rose
Ears: Illusions, Mystic Ears
Eyes: De la Soul, RooMee Eyes - Rainbow
Eyeshadow: Elymode, Magenta & Pink
Eyelashes 1: *X*plosion, PrimLashes
Eyelashes 2: Flugeln Brise, Eyelash 05-A
Lipstick: Mock, Bella Vetro Gloss - Pale Violet
Hair: Magika, Length
Dress: G Field, Floral Dress "Fiona" - yellow
Jewelry: Eclectica: Nouveau Rose
Ring 1: Alchemy Immortalis, Nestling Finger Talisman
Ring 2: Earthstones, Eternal Blossom Ring
Shoes: katat0nik, Aya Wedge

Poses: Pffiou!

Location: Forest Feast
Light Settings: Places Bentham

Photographed by Deoridhe Quandry
Post processing: Cropping only


  1. I completely understand how off-putting that kind of a forced conversation can be, it leaves you feeling so hollow and empty and used. >.< I am kind of shy in SL and those types that try to pry me to talk about myself just make me run away. I don't think there is anything wrong with avoiding an awkward conversation with a stranger, it doesn't make you bitchy it just shows that you are a bit hesitant to let your guard down with suspect peoples...which is definitely a normal reaction.

  2. I tend to be hesitant to let down my guard at all, so I suppose there is that! I'm ok with talking about myself, but I set some pretty solid limits that it will take time for someone to get past; I've simply met too many people in general who have hidden agendas to easily trust.

  3. My personal opinion is that a guy should have a reason to IM you in the first place. If he has nothing to talk about, he shouldn't bother you. If he contacts you and says nothing, he's almost certainly hoping for an opening to ask about sex.
    In SL, an avatar can look like *anything*. So a guy (who could be anything in RL) approaches a pretty avatar with the assumption that her mind is something like her appearance would indicate...wait, no, sorry: He's not interested in her mind. Sigh. I find that an avatar can display what someone *wishes* they were, but often, the RL person is not willing to put any effort into fulfilling that wish. You won't find that out while throwing someone on a mattress and boinking them, though, unless it's revealed by the patterns of their RP.
    I choose to wear a unicorn avatar--okay, a horse with a horn and cloven hooves, since unicorns are pretty rare in SL--mostly because I want people to find out who I am before they ask for sex, if they ever get to that point. :) After all, what more fitting avatar for the asexual, than the symbol of virginity? That was a fail, though; some people seem to, never mind. The unicorn also represents my feelings of being an uncommon creature in the far distant fringes of society, not influenced by the opinions of newscasters or prime-time television producers. So it represents ME, in a very real sense. If you want to know what I am in RL, I have a fairly recent RL picture in my profile, and a link to my blog on the web tab. If what I am doesn't fit your agenda, I'll probably figure that out before you do. :)
    Anyway, the safest avatar I've found for avoiding sex cravens, is the RooU, or Meeroo avatar. I made friends with one girl that wanted to be my Domme, but even she didn't ask that till after she got to know me. We actually had a very fruitful relationship.
    Not wishing to present myself as silly and childish all the time, I am still mostly unicorn, going human for special events, such as to dance with my girl or to act as guest facilitator at sims that may not know me well.