In any case, it started out innocuously enough, a vaguely well dressed, over a year old avatar with an entirely blank profile IMed me while I was out taking pictures; he was walking away at the time so the initial part was in IMs.
LucasFlannery: hi
Deoridhe Quandry: Hello.
LucasFlannery: now are you
Deoridhe Quandry: I'm doing well; how are you?
LucasFlannery: feel only here in sl
Deoridhe Quandry: I don't understand?
I still have no idea what his third sentence means and he never clarified it. Also, a friendship notice and a teleport notice popped up and I cancelled both of them. After being teleported into a threesome and told "get on" (literally, the only thing he said to me) I've refused to accept teleports from people I don't know. I also dislike random friendship adds and never accept them.
Deoridhe Quandry: Why are you offering me friendship and trying to teleport me?
LucasFlannery: like too dance here
Deoridhe Quandry: Ok, I'm happy for you.
Note - this wasn't a question, it was a statement. I'm not a huge Second Life dancer; for a while I went to the same club every Friday night and hung out with friends, but this guy showed no signs of actually being fun to spend time with. I also never know how to respond to these sorts of power plays besides digging in my heels - he was making statements and expecting me to do the work of turning them into questions and turning him into someone worth my time, and that just isn't how I roll.
LucasFlannery: yes
LucasFlannery: come
LucasFlannery: pls
Someone who can't write out "please" is really putting effort into not putting any effort into it. He tried to teleport me again. I cancelled it.
Deoridhe Quandry: Why should I?
LucasFlannery: no fun
Deoridhe Quandry: You've given me no reason to want to spend time with you, much less follow your orders.
At this point he walked away from the dance area and toward me, taking the conversation to local chat. I have no idea why - seeing him again didn't make me any more interested; he was a bog standard, boring male avatar. Being beautiful or handsome on Second Life is actually easier than being ugly, and who you are is vastly more important than what you look like. I run some well put together avatars, but the complements I receive from these kinds of men never seem to actually mean anything. I have received comments on my avatar which seemed more sincere and less perfunctory, but they come in a different context with a person who is reading what I'm saying and responding to it as if I'm a person instead of someone interacting with me like I'm a Non-Player Character (NPC).
LucasFlannery: you are so beautiful too bad
LucasFlannery: I really like the fairies
Deoridhe Quandry: I'm happy for you.
Deoridhe Quandry: It has nothing to do with me, though.
LucasFlannery: from beg you want to be my friend
Deoridhe Quandry: Why?
LucasFlannery: friends
Deoridhe Quandry: Yes. Why?
LucasFlannery: please
LucasFlannery: I really like your dress
LucasFlannery: please
Deoridhe Quandry: You can buy one of your own at Sn@tch.
I couldn't resist.
LucasFlannery: You do not want to know
LucasFlannery: friends
Deoridhe Quandry: What is there to know? You've called me beautiful and ordered me around. Not really the beginning of a fun friendship for me.
LucasFlannery: yes
LucasFlannery: :)
LucasFlannery: friends
LucasFlannery: so beautiful
Deoridhe Quandry: Why would my being beautiful have anything to do with my wanting to be friends with you?
LucasFlannery: why
LucasFlannery: please
LucasFlannery: friends
LucasFlannery: :(
Deoridhe Quandry: Please is not a reason. Give me a reason for us being friends. What would I get out of it?
LucasFlannery: to know I'm a good person
They always say they're a good person. Shortly after claiming this, they almost always act like a cruel or careless person who doesn't actually think I'm a person myself. I'm sure they believe they're good people. I'm equally sure their definition of good is my definition of tolerable.
Deoridhe Quandry: All you've done is talk about my appearance. That tells me you're a superficial person, not a good one.
LucasFlannery: where are you from?
LucasFlannery: you've got to where I am
Deoridhe Quandry: I have an island on Imagine Isla, near De La Soul; my friend made it for me, which made me really happy.
This was actually a real answer. He could have asked about it, he could have commented on it, it could have sparked a discussion about pretty places in Second Life - he could have proven he was a good person. Instead he did.... not.
LucasFlannery: :((((
LucasFlannery: OK Bye
Deoridhe Quandry: Lovely conversation.
LucasFlannery: No
LucasFlannery: what a great game this shit sl
LucasFlannery: no longer as it once was
Deoridhe Quandry: I'm not an NPC; if you treat me like an NPC it won't work.
Notice his emphasis on Second Life as a game and his claim that I'm ruining his game for him. He had a script he wanted me to fit into, I was supposed to act like he was gorgeous and fascinating, let him sweep me off my feet and call me beautiful a few hundred times, likely get onto sex poseballs with him, and then he would have had his game with an NPC he picked out pre-made. Instead, I was a reminder that the other people in Second Life are actual people with desires, tastes, and wants which may not be the same as his and he threw a temper tantrum.
He walked away. He tried to teleport me again. Then two friendship offers. Then...
LucasFlannery: fuck off
Deoridhe Quandry: You first, asshole.
Two more friendship offers - notice how he isn't listening to me, isn't respecting me, and wants what he wants without any regard to my thoughts or feelings.
LucasFlannery: add me
Two more friendship offers. It seems almost vile to put the word friendship next to what he was doing.
Deoridhe Quandry: No. You've been rude to me, ignored my attempt at conversation, then cussed at me. You claim to be a "good person" but you are acting like an entitled, pathetic asshole.
LucasFlannery: ok sorry
LucasFlannery: add me
Deoridhe Quandry: You have treated me like an object since you approached me. There is no way I will ever add you.
Notice how he thought a lackluster apology would change things, how he expected me to ignore his bad behavior and rudeness. He walked back over to me again, switching once again to open chat, but this time I ignored him for a couple of minutes - I was writing a blogpost - before responding.
LucasFlannery: you are so Beautiful
LucasFlannery: by me happy
LucasFlannery: I'm bored
LucasFlannery: yes
LucasFlannery: where are you from in rl?
LucasFlannery: come dance
Notice how focused he is on what he wants, and notice the weird repetition I've seen so many times before of men demanding offline information and showing no interest in anything but that and obedience to their demands. He also appears to literally be incapable of understanding the word "no", as if he thinks enough badgering will change my mind.
Deoridhe Quandry: None of your business.
LucasFlannery: pls
Deoridhe Quandry: No.
LucasFlannery: dance
LucasFlannery: pls
LucasFlannery: dance
I realized he had turned his avatar invisible and was pushing me now - thankfully I had finished taking my pictures so he didn't ruin what I was doing.
Deoridhe Quandry: Wow, pushing me because I won't obey your orders. Dick move.
LucasFlannery: yes
LucasFlannery: lol
Again - notice how he actually doesn't want to be a good person; he wants to harass and annoy me because I'm not doing what he wants. This is the behavior of a selfish child. At this point, I stopped my held animation and activated my AO, and he reacted to that below. It's also at this point that I stopped replying to him; I wanted to stay in sim for various reasons, but I was bored with interacting with him.
LucasFlannery: wow
LucasFlannery: do it again
LucasFlannery: I like it
LucasFlannery: :)))
He began to push me down the stairs; enjoying literally pushing me around as he was unable to figuratively.
LucasFlannery: six stops as a pole
Halfway down the stairs I flew up to stop him from pushing me and he ran into another person on the sim who was looking for a place to dance - much more in line with what he apparently wanted to do. He also actually asked her what she was doing on the sim, which was more than he did me! He seemed to do the same Local Chat / IMs hopping he did with me, and then the two of them left together. I hope he was less of an asshole to her than to me; he certainly started out better, having a conversation and finding out they were on Second Life for the same reason.
This is an illustration of just how thin any pretense of being good is - and how spoiled and entitled some people are. He literally did not see me as a person; he saw me as an object that existed to entertain him because he was bored. When he met a different object which fit his script more closely, he switched without hesitating because neither of us were people to him. This is sexism at it's baldest, the assumption on the part of some men that women exist solely for them, and that women who defy that should be insulted and pushed around. I was safe because I was in Second Life, but men like this are a lot more dangerous offline.
Credits:
Skin: Izzie's, Irene
Hair: Doe, Rebecca
Hair Stick: katat0nik, Cloud Dragon
Companion: katat0nik, Cloud Dragon
Eyes: .:Soul:., Oculos
Eyelashes 1: SLink, Mesh Lashes
Eyelashes 2: Flugeln Brise, 05-A
Ears: .:Soul:., Uni
Lipstick: Pink Fuel, Metallic Lipsticks
Wings: Deviance, Sidhe
Body 1: SLink, Hands
Body 2: Maitreya, Body & Feet
Nails: La Boheme, Taema Gold
Outfit: Cila, Celina (The Epiphany)
Shoes: #Empire, Kaffir
Poses: Grafica
Location: Rosemoor
Windlight Settings:
Water Settings: Glassy
Photographed by Deoridhe Quandry
Post processing: Cropping
This is really great. I've had many of the same experiences on SL and handled them in a similar manner. I just met a guy on SL who really tuned into me and we had an amazing time together. Then after two days he stopped seeing me. I just can't understand where guys are coming from most of the time. I'm glad to see I'm not alone with this problem.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, a lot can be explained by men who communicate badly or drop women without a qualm not really viewing women as people. There is a type of man who interacts with women as if we're interchangeable and replaceable and it's a learned thing - objectification of women is so extreme that women often objectify ourselves. One of these centuries I want to do some posts on the varieties of objectification and the degree to which women's bodies and women's presumed characteristics are folded into this objectification.
DeleteThanks for your reply, I really like the way you think and write. I just wanted to say that today the guy who I mentioned earlier here who dropped me after two days, sent me a message on SL and gave me some lame excuse why he didn't contact me. I told him I couldn't handle having intense experiences like what we had and then being dumped. Soo, I said, if I don't see you again, have a good life, lol. I figure this was an assault on my being as a person and he surely would do it again if I let him. I'm sure you understand where I'm coming from even if he never will.
DeleteOh yes, I definitely understand. It's not true that we can control how other people treat us, but it is true that if we don't tolerate people treating us poorly they tend to move on to someone else. In some rare cases they change, but you simply can't count on that. Best of luck in finding someone you can form a real relationship with!
DeleteHi again, I hope you don't mind me turning this into a discussion. It just helps me to write down some of my thoughts on this subject to someone who understands.
DeleteNow the guy in your post is stupid and unaware. They can be annoying and even dangerous in real life. But they do move on to someone else if you ignore them. The kinds of guys I am dealing with lately, don't forget about me even if they haven't heard from me in almost a year. This kind of guy isn't playing around, I pick up a need in them that fuels the depth we reach when we are together. There is a real desperation that I react to. Unfortunately for me, I've come to realize, this desperation is fueled by addiction. They seem to be looking for victims.
Your thoughts would be helpful.
Honestly, people like that is why blocking was invented. Especially online, we have a lot more power to protect ourselves and blocking is a big part of that. Offline things can get a lot hairier, and online they can when someone utilizes a mob, but individuals are pretty easy to get rid of.
DeleteWell I met a guy yesterday on SL who I could relate to very easily. At this point I just can't imagine how it can go bad. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, lol. I hope you keep writing and that we can stay in touch, thanks again for your input.
ReplyDelete