That Hole Inside of Me

It's been an interesting, hollow week for me. Fantasy Faire starts in two days, and for the first time in three years I'm not part of the giddy, giggling chatting in the official group; I was removed from it a couple of months back, and didn't make the cut to be let back in. This had been the first year I stayed in the group - we were encouraged to at the end of the last faire - so being removed was tough. I'm not completely sure why I reacted to strongly to it, though; it's not the stuff - I've built enough relationships with people who are active in Fantasy Faire over the course of doing different events that I'll be more than busy item-wise - but it felt rather like being forcibly removed from a community one thought one would be an integral part of for some time to come. Fantasy Faire was the first event I ever applied to, and the first I was ever an official blogger for, and the first time I ever got review copies of anything. Despite losing a number of people to cancer, I've never felt emotionally connected to fighting it; I think the issue seems to abstract, or perhaps it's lost in the background noise of general wishing that the world were a kinder place. I do feel connected to the Faire itself, however, and the amazing worlds which came out of peoples' minds and spoke so strongly to the optimize and beauty found in people coming together for a cause. I'm also sad because it loses me a couple of days in reviewing the sims themselves; Fantasy Faire is astonishingly brief and astonishingly beautiful, and so having the extra time to really sink myself into it was a blessing. I'm feeling the lack of it now, like an ache.

I've been debating writing about this since I was removed from the group and didn't seem to receive a response from the Fantasy Faire staff (Second Life can and does frequently eat things); it seems so petty, and I don't want to be seen as petty and self-centered. I want to be able to throw myself into experiencing the faire wholeheartedly, though, and being honest about my emotional responses seems like the best way to sooth the sting of rejection I feel. I've been reading Brené Brown's work on Shame and how it deadens our emotions when we try to hide our honest reactions under a façade of perfection. I am someone who has deeply internalized shame and a lot of judgement about how I should feel and what I should do in order to be even remotely acceptable as a person. There is no way to face up to ones shame other than honesty - accepting myself as a flawed person who is worthy of love and care despite sometimes being selfish and petty. Being honest means being vulnerable and opening oneself up for censure, but weirdly, having typed this out, I feel a lot better. Even in the absence of any remedy, being clear and honest offers some relief and I think now I can throw myself enthusiastically into my favorite event of the year - Fantasy Faire.

( More pictures here. )

Credits:

Skin: Izzie's, Irene
Hair: Discord Designs, Robyn
Hat: Node, Oreor (The Fantasy Collective)
Ears: Illusions, Seelie Ears
Eyes: De La Soul, Rainbow
Eyelashes 1: SLink, Mesh Lashes
Eyelashes 2: Flugeln Brise, 05-A
Eyeshadow: Pin Me Down, Soft Shadows
Lipstick: Beauty Freak, Liquid Metal
Wings: Deviance, Sidhe
Hands & Feet: SLink, Rigged Mesh Hands & Feet
Nails: A:S:S, Superglitter
Top: Sassy, Bliss Halter Top (Hunt Prize)
Corset: Sassy, Gramercy Leather Corset (Hunt Prize)
Pants: Sassy, Tribeca Leather Pants (Hunt Prize)
Anklet: Sax Shepherd Designs, Fairy Tale Tease (Fantasy Gacha Carnival)
Shoes: Sax Shepherd Designs, Fairy Tale Tease (Fantasy Gacha Carnival)

Poses: Grafica

Location: Black Spot
Light Settings: Phototools, Horizon Building Light
Water Settings: Mirror Water

Photographed by Deoridhe Quandry
Post processing: Cropping, only