Monday Meme: Introspection

This Monday Strawberry is asking us all to be introspective, and since that's sort of my middle name, I'm built for this kind of stuff.I love, sometimes to excess, examining myself and the world around me, trying to highlight the patterns which weave through all of our lives and tie us together.I am imperfect at best, but very good at talking about it, and I tried to pick some of my past pictures that fit an introspective mood.

1. Regardless of your current number, how old do you actually feel? – I felt seventeen for a very long time. Now... maybe mid twenties? It isn't connected to a real age, more of a body sense.


2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? – It really depends on what you're failing to do, and what you're trying to do. I would rather fail at doing something ultimately wrong, than try to do something without integrity. I'm not always sure that trying is the proper thing to do in our lives, and failing is often outside of the realm of our control. In my job, though, I often try to fail as part of sharing with the person I'm working with that failing isn't the end of the world - and I think what I've learned best is how to recover from failure, and how to make an honest apology.


3. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? – I honestly don't know. I think our entire culture would be so different that it wouldn't be recognizable to us. Even back in the time when the "average lifespan" was forty, what that meant was that infant mortality was extremely high; there were still elderly people.


4. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? – It really depends on how you define "right." I try to do everything with integrity, though sometimes that integrity is acknowledging my own tiredness and weaknesses because they are integral to who I am. I would not be myself without my flaws. I want to do right things, but I'm sort of resigned to eternal failure on that count, as errors will always be made, and I'm unlikely to ever have perfect enough knowledge to always act correctly (and sometimes there is no correct action).


5. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? – I think it's impossible for me to be a simpleton. That sounds really conceited typed out like that, but the truth is I was raised with critical analysis of media by my mother, who was really worried about the effect of children's cartoons on me, and even when I'm being joyful and silly and acting deliberately stupidly, there's a layer of self-reflection in there which I think doesn't enable me to be "simple." My training as a therapist has only increased the layered nature of my cognition; I now routinely keep at least two layers of thought going, and that doesn't really vanish even when I'm not working with a client.




6. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? – I have no idea... I should ask my friends. I feel like I'm a bad friend, and that's why I don't have many, but I'm also an introvert. Honestly, I don't know. I know I meet people badly; meaning I am bad at it.


7. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? – Yes, and honestly... yes. I have a few things I've been really upset by over time, and all of them have long and lasting effects on my life.


8. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? – When I got my intern number for being a therapist. I actually screamed aloud and spent a while jumping around. I was a lot more excited by it than I expected I would be.


9. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? – Absolutely not - I love my job - but I would probably set up a trust to fund my position at my job, or set up some sort of clinic through my employer to better help my clients. We have so little, and we do a lot with it but there are so many more people we should be helping, and we just don't have the staff or the funds or the stability.




10. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? – I would Tardis together my group of friends from where I last lived with two of my cousins, some Second Life friends, and my work friends and clients. Then I'd have to figure out a way to pull together everyone they want to be with on the last day, because I don't think it's right that my desire to be with them should trump their desire to be with someone else. Around there, even in the abstract this becomes a logistical nightmare.


11. What do you feel is the difference between being alive and truly living? – Most simply, being alive is respiration and truly living is reflecting on the purpose of respiration, but sometimes I think many other mammals have humans beat and live more fully because they are always in touch with their senses, instead of distracted by deep thoughts. Yeah, that directly contradicts itself; I am Legion and I contain multitudes.


12. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? – I hate knowing how I hurt people. Most of my biggest mistakes are times I have wounded others where I can never make amends; I can never fix it. That's why I hate making mistakes even while I acknowledge I inevitably will. I'm trying to get better at making amends.


13. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? – I'd wear different clothing. I love Lolita, but offline I feel like I look like a pile of laundry in it (and I haven't prioritized making some that fits me) and so I don't wear it often. I also might go out more; the reality that people judge me based on my weight makes meeting new people really difficult for me.


14. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? – Find people who will always tell you their truth and use them as your lodestones - not to determine where you stand, but to figure out your orientation when making your own choices. We use North to orient ourselves, but we don't try to move there.

( More pictures here. )