Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The History of Lovely

When I was around nine, I spent every other weekend in a gray apartment building. The only thing to do was go to the Seven Eleven on the corner; I'd often go with what money I could put my hands on and buy sweets - mostly sugar sweets or three musketeers. I can remember playing elaborate games with candy - separating, arranging, making stories. Between that and watching cable tv, my entertainment was limited.


When I was twenty, I was in a bad car wreck - one person not walking away bad. For the first time in my life, I felt the compulsion to cut - in the clinical, scar-leaving way. I can remember the fantasies, the sharp edges of the razor blades I had from art class, weighing the pros and cons. The pain was so bad, I needed a way to make it visible - to mark it on my skin for everyone to see.

An Elephant of a Problem

A couple years after the accident, having taken First Aid and CPR, I was one of the first on sight a back car wreck. I held the hand of a woman who appeared to not speak English, or at least couldn't in that moment, and kept her calm until the EMTs came. She was bleeding, and I don't know how badly she was injured. After the accident, I drive straight to the Grocery Store and bought two bags worth of sweets - mostly chocolate. I've never felt that kind of compulsion before; I barely made it to my car before I stuffed a donut in my mouth.I compulsively ate maybe three, rapid fire without even tasting them, feeling a rush and sense of release... then didn't want them anymore, and most of the food ended up in the trash.


When I was twenty-three, I lost all my friends and my job went south, fast - stress and an inevitable feeling of failure. Being asked to lie. I dyed my hair blue and green in streaks, and when that didn't do it, I bought two cats.

2011-07-19 Catastrophe_003

Last year I started spinning out with stress - feeling hunted, cornered, overwhelmed. I bought some of my favorite foods, all of the guilt-inducing ones. I bought books. I curled up in bed, my cat now and then stalking across me or curling up nearby. I wrapped blankets over my bed, and ate, and munched, and after ten or eleven hours emerged substantially relaxed.


Today, I took the freedom of a person. I stood before insults, and kept my expression neutral as I was accused of all kinds of things. I took the simple, straightforward steps to making sure someone was in custody, and picked up the worry over the future attendant with that. On the way home, I stopped by the store. I bought some little, bite sized treats - things I could try and set aside if they didn't satisfy. I bought cheese and tomatoes and edamame. I put together a nice meal, tried some snacks, and tried to tell myself all the things people tell themselves in these situations. I cried.

( More pictures here. )


Skin: De La Soul, Charlie Nude - Cream (with blond brows)
Eyes: De La Soul, RooMee Eyes - Rainbow
Ears: Illusion, Mystic Ear
Hair: Red Mint, Hair No. 11 - Satin Blond
Wings: Fancy Fairy, Azarelle Wings
Dress and Shoes: Ruru, Twinkle Dress

Location: Cute Poison
Light Settings: TOR, FOGGY - Catastrophe
Water Settings: TOR, Eyeballin'

Photographed by Deoridhe Quandry
Post processing: Cropping only

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