Sunday, January 3, 2016

How NOT to make "Friends" in Second Life

It started innocuously enough. It's been a long while since someone hit on me, and this wasn't even "me" but rather one of my alts - specifically my neko alt. I'm largely uninterested in being hit on, but up for some conversation if it turns out to be good. Overall, this alt looks like a hot mess and is dressed up in a variety of free items from all over the place - one by one I'm outfitting my alts but it's the sort of thing which happens slowly.

Hyper Coy in Shadow

[Pickup Liar]: pretty outfit
Hyper Coy: Thank you.
[Pickup Liar]: your welcome
[Pickup Liar]: smiles
[Pickup Liar]: are them boots or hightheels you have on

I was in a non-viual viewer, so I actually had to check in my inventory for what I was wearing - in this case a rather nice pair of free boots from LeeZu. 

Hyper Coy: Boots.
[Pickup Liar]: may i see a close up of them
Hyper Coy: Ah... sure?

This is a weird thing to ask - it's really easy to look at something without asking in Second Life. This was a clear indication this person was not your standard random-hitter and an example of an escalation a la Pickup Artists. The purpose is to push against someone's boundaries and test them while being indirect enough that you can deny what is going on if directly responded to.

[Pickup Liar]: very pretty
[Pickup Liar]: sorry
[Pickup Liar]: hope that didn't bug you
Hyper Coy: No, I suppose not.

It didn't bug me. It did put me on edge, since it was an indication he wanted to challenge my boundaries while making it harder for me to enforce them.

[Pickup Liar]: thanks
Hyper Coy: ^.^
[Pickup Liar]: im zan very nice to meet you
Hyper Coy: Nice to meet you as well.
[Pickup Liar]: smiles at you
Hyper Coy: ^.^

This is the scale-back to solidify his position at "talk about your body at length" and his next escalation to describing physical contact comes next. Offline, this would be an actual touch, possibly after some negging. This is all fairly standard Pick Up stuff - it's about tricking women into doing what you want instead of interacting with us as people.

[Pickup Liar]: tickles you and stops :p

I don't like to be tickled in general, and particularly not from complete strangers. I don't believe in describing my physical response to people touching me without my permission, which is always pushing away and almost always yelling or hitting. Offline, I have a strong startle response. Online, there is more space for me to just have expressions.

Hyper Coy raises an eyebrow.
[Pickup Liar]: woops
[Pickup Liar]: hides my face with my hands

He's trying to be cute to walk it back with a bashful "who me?" naughty boy routine. It's another form of manipulation; it also gives me very little to respond to.

Hyper Coy: Oooookay.
[Pickup Liar]: what's wrong
Hyper Coy: Why are you acting so weirdly?

I tend to be direct in these circumstances.

[Pickup Liar]: i was just been silly sorry :(
Hyper Coy: Seems like you're trying to hit on me.
[Pickup Liar]: no
[Pickup Liar]: if i was im sorry

He's lying.

Hyper Coy: You complemented me, said something which indicated you were looking at my legs, then escalated to touching me. This is pretty textbook.

Like I said, direct.

[Pickup Liar]: hope you can forgive me
[Pickup Liar]: im sorry
Hyper Coy: So you were hitting on me? Or what?
[Pickup Liar]: no
[Pickup Liar]: only been nice and silly

He's still lying.

Hyper Coy: How is focusing on my appearance and touching me without any indication whether I want to you at all "nice"?
[Pickup Liar]: sorry
Hyper Coy: It was a question.

They never answer my questions in these circumstances because to answer them would be to admit they are trying to manipulate me and are lying to me. At this point, I just wanted to see how far he would go - if he was capable of having a conversation that didn't lead to him sexualizing me and treating me like an object in his fantasy. I didn't hold out much hope - but you never know.

[Pickup Liar]: i won't bug you anymore sorry :(
[Pickup Liar]: i alway pick like that
[Pickup Liar]: nothing bad

Hyper Coy: I'm just confused. You've done nothing but comment on my appearance. What do you want?

[Pickup Liar]: just to be friends

He's lying. Or, rather, his definition of "friends" is "objects I insert into my fantasies".

Hyper Coy: Ok. What do you usually do with friends?
[Pickup Liar]: hangout and RP
Hyper Coy: What kind of roleplay?
[Pickup Liar]: any

This is not a promising answer; people who deny any preferences often have very specific ones which they refuse to be direct about. Whether this is due to shame or a belief that if they were direct they wouldn't get what they want, I don't know. Either way - if you ask a question and someone replies with "anything" they are not being truthful.

Hyper Coy: The last time you roleplayed, what was it?
[Pickup Liar]: can't remember
Hyper Coy: Seriously?

He's totally lying. His last "roleplay" was sexual and he doesn't want to say so because to admit it is to admit he lied to me when he said he wasn't hitting on me.

[Pickup Liar]: sometime i make one up
Hyper Coy: What is one which you made up?
[Pickup Liar]: might not like it becuz it has foot massages in it
Hyper Coy: Foot massages?
[Pickup Liar]: yea

See what I said above? He has a very specific fantasy around feet - the focus above about my boots takes on new relevance - but refuses to be honest about it or even be honest about the fact that my virtual feet are literally all he cares about regarding me. For all his claims of being nice and silly, although he claimed to want to be friends, there is nothing nice, silly, or friendly about any of this.

[Pickup Liar]: sometimes playing on the laptop or watching tv
[Pickup Liar]: like if i gave you a laptop to use and you watched videos on it i would ask first to give you a foot massage
Hyper Coy: And this is a roleplay you do?
Hyper Coy: On a laptop.

[Pickup Liar]: sometimes yes

Hyper Coy: Wow, you are seriously boring.

Yes, this is my honest opinion. I mean, foot fetishism is fine - might even be something I'd be willing to play with, with someone I liked. I'm a fan of foot massages in general as well. If he'd been willing to be direct... eh. I was doing a lot, but I might have been up for it if he was honest about it. 

However, above he said he wanted to be "friends" and here again we are on the topic of his fetishes because he is literally incapable of discussing anything else or showing a modicum of interest in me as the person, as opposed to my feet in his fantasy. This shows a very specific definition of "friends" that is particular to the kind of man who views women as sexual objects and don't care about us as people in the slightest, and I don't have sex, even virtual sex, with someone who can't treat me like a person.

[Pickup Liar]: sorry

No, you're not.

Hyper Coy: Nah, I'm just kind of amazed. I never imagined people would roleplay being on a laptop in a virtual world.
Hyper Coy: Especially people who claim VERY STAUNCHLY hey don't hit on people. They just want to roleplay things they don't remember or "giving foot massages."

[Pickup Liar]: k sorry to bug you :(

Hyper Coy: No, you're not. You wondered if you could manipulate me. It's really backhanded and pathetic. If you want sexualized contact with people, at least be honest enough to not fake wanting to be "friends".

Hyper Coy: That is disgusting.

I find it vile - lying to people over and over again while claiming at the same time you are "nice". It's a trick, it's lying, and it's trying to use other people as objects in your fantasies.

[Pickup Liar]: nevermind i won't bug you anymore
[Pickup Liar]: bye

They always use the word "bug". I wasn't "bugged". I don't mind having conversations with people, though boring people can be a trial. I do mind people lying to me. What I find the most galling at the end of these is how thoroughly anything I say is ignored in favor of their narratives - they they are bugging me, that they were never hitting on me they just wanted a spot of foot play, that they are a nice person who wants to make friends where those friends act out their specific fantasy.

Just be honest, guys. Interact with women like we're actually people, and not objects. Seriously. It's faster and it pisses fewer people off.

Hyper Coy in Light


  1. Yanno... I no longer recall exactly how I came across your blog, here, but I'm a genuine fan of your How Not To installations.

    I find I rarely have the patience or inclination to explain to males just how thoroughly repugnant their behaviour is; particularly when so very, very many of them view all women as interchangeable things there for gratification and nothing more.

    So - thanks! :)

    Also... the first time I ever dl'ed and played around on SL was a good decade ago. I'd log in once a year or two, and quickly get super bored because I couldn't buy anything, couldn't figure out what if anything there was to do aside from block a new creeper every two minutes...

    Then I stumbled across yo' site. This isn't the name, email or anything I use for SL, but I kind of have a ball, nowadays. If only to partake of hunts and play Dress Up.

    This is long. My apologies - ha. Have a lovely evening, and thanks for the reads.

    1. I'm glad you found your way back to SL through my posts! Hunts and dress up are both blasts, and I do a lot of both. I remain a huge fan of the world in general, and even these interactions have turned into something fun for my blog - so I can't really complain.