Friday, June 15, 2012
Glass Battering Rams
I am an uber crankypants today, so I handle it in my usual manner - a little shopping for pretty things, some food, and finding a pretty place on Second Life to take pictures. I don't know how therapeutic distracting myself is; I whined a bunch at work, a little more to a friend, but it's hard for me to take my own pain seriously these days. Other people have it so much worse. Intellectually, I know that's a silly position to hold, but emotions don't operate intellectually; they have their own laws and rules. More and more I'm really considering trying to make something to express this emotional mass I have inside of me - it's bizarre curves and conflicting patterns. I'm not sure I'd even ever want to show it to anyone; I'm never sure I really want to be seen. Admired, loved, praised, cossetted - yes. Seen? Hmm.. that's trickier.
Vulnerability - allowing oneself to truly feel, to truly see and be seen - is always a tricky sort of thing. A person I usually admire said something recently about how defenses in a relationship are different from a filter. When you're defensive, you put up a wall which has to be raised and lowered. When you filter, it is an integral part of yourself which protects you but allows the good through, while filtering out the bad. My job is such a mix for me; my outside hobbies such a mix. There is so much I love, but so much which also hurts me. It's hard to deal with complex issues of racism and race while also dealing with psychosis; to balance being loving, gentle and kind with being firm. When I become to confident in my abilities, I worry. Is my level of honesty, is my confessing my own wrongs and headache and exhaustion with that dagger dance - does that help? Does that further the relationship, bring it into a balance where the other can learn how to live with other people and respect their feelings? Or is it me, unnecessarily bringing myself into the dynamic and making things worse?
So much of the world is really uncertain. I'm envious of people who have convictions where I don't, but I also have an inherent suspicion of convictions. So often, bad things are done int he name of convictions, and people use them as excuses to be cruel to other people - even me (I know! Shocker!). There is such pain in the world, threading its way through all the different media where people's edges meet; convictions often seem like battering rams made of glass - at once both fragile and destructive. I don't want to batter my way through anyone's china shop; I don't want to bring down your house of cards... but when my job is building a foundation near the cards, or under the cards, or somehow to reinforce the cards, what happens if I knock some of them down accidentally? When I have people's minds and souls in my hand, how can I rest easy?
( More pictures here. )
Skin: De La Soul, Aestali - Cream Rose (promotional item)
Eyes: De La Soul, Rainbow MESH (promotional item)
Ears: Illusion, Seelie Ears
Eyelashes 1: *X*plosion, PrimLashes
Eyelashes 2: Flugeln Brise, 05-A
Eyeshadow and Lipstick: Mock, Aos Si Leaves Red
Eyeliner: Adam n Eve, Hepsut
Lipstick: Damned, Alice Lipstick
Hair: Purple Moon, Dew Hair
Wings: Fancy Fairy, Azarelle
Dress: Caverna Obscura, Moonlight Melody ~ Love
Feet: SLink, Bare Feet Mesh
Location: World's End Garden
Light Settings: TOR, HORROR Darkside Tales
Water Settings: TOR, Fantastruck
Photographed by Deoridhe Quandry
Post processing: Cropping, only